My biggest leadership fail, and the soul searching journey that followed

Since I was 12, I have always found myself taking an active part. It has been both leadership positions, as well as just being a contributor ✊

I don’t think this was necessarily a conscious effort on my part - I just have that kind of personality. In school, I was always the first person to raise my hand, and in the early part of my career working for various NGOs, I often found myself to be the first to speak up in meetings or take charge of a process. I had, and still have, no problem at all with being in the spotlight with the responsibility that comes with it.

On one level, it is something I am very proud of 😇

I crave opportunities to make a difference, and am impatient to drive success and projects that might change the world, or at least a small part of it. I have passion and pace. I am pretty fearless, and have the analytical skill to see where I am needed.

However, that hunger and drive for impact, fast change, and goal-driven mindset, has at times led to really bad leadership from my part.

My biggest leadership fail

Buckle up for story time 📖

I was heading up a team of about ten people that were working in a highly pressurized situation organizing a series of student-facing events at KTH Royal Insititute of Technology. It was a chaotic environment: decisions needed to be made in real time, and tasks were handed out without debate or discussion. It was fast-paced, loud, and stressful - and in which I felt my action-driven leadership really was an asset.

As you can imagine, I thrived.

I led a team that had high ambitions. Even though I sometimes thought they were to high for what the situation craved - they were my team, and I felt that the best that a leader could to was to help them succeed. Despite thinking the priorities weren't always right.

During a morning meeting, when we were all a bit drained on energy, but with big actions on our to do list, a person in the team suddenly bursted into tears and ran from the room. There was a shocked silence, and I tried to understand what had happened - but did nothing 😐

Soon, one of the team members followed, to see if they were alright. I felt like I also should have gone after them, but that it probably was the right course of action for me to not get involved. They knew each other well and I am the worst comforter I know. Also, the rest of the team needed me present - at least so I thought.

For the sake of today's agenda, the quickest and easiest solution was for the friend to go after them and the rest of us to get on with the job. I never checked in with the person afterwards, because I didn't want to intrude.

More opportunities later came my way as the years passed. I was given more responsibilities and managed more people, working in organizations where aspiration was rewarded and there was a top-down leadership system.

But that moment never left me. It made me question how good of a leader I was. I had put process over people. And I had been awarded for my leadership?!?! 🤯

I started to become insecure in my leadership abilities and if I actually were walking the walk and talking the talk - creating effective and high-performing teams that were proud of their achievements. Did my teams even like me as a leader? More than that, I began to doubt whether I was even on the right career path.

At my lowest point, I felt like I was a fraud.

A big decision

From a mentor, I was given a thought nugget. The biggest problem was that I had only ever worked in ‘top-down’ organizations 💡

Leadership in those organization was about making decisions, and ensuring they were carried out. Unless you were ”Head of X” or President of the Board, your opinion didn’t matter as much. As leaders, we weren’t handing people responsibility, we were merely giving them tasks - and didn’t care about their passions or what happened in their lives after their 9-5.

Gradually, the penny dropped, and I knew that if I was going to become a leader I would be proud of in the long run, I needed to choose a different path. I had to choose a workplace where I was able to work on this.

At my current workplace, I operated in an organization without formal hierarchies and managers. And while for many that might sound like a utopia, for me it has been challenging to adapt. But a challenge that I very much needed 😂

Through recurrent workshops about self-awareness, comfort zones, leadership, and feedback, this has challenged me since I have to really reflect, and be present.

I have to listen. I have to ask questions. I have to understand the people I work with on a deeper level.

When my instinct is to break the silence with my own ideas just to get the ball rolling, I have challenged myself to bite my tongue and let others speak first. To give feelings a place at the table, and not put the to-do list first. This is way out of my comfort zone, as my habit is to internalize and be analytical. To think fast and to make gut decisions.

Recently I realized that, for the first time, I am in a positive working environment where everyone is empowered to have an opinion, but also skills and pitfalls that we work through together.

Finding the leader I want to be

It might have taken a few years and several wrong turns to get here, but I have come to realize that leadership is about surrounding yourself with people that can balance out your flaws, and be mindful of when you go into your comfort zone 👋

As for me, it means that I have to challenge myself to not be the one doing all the talking, executing, or planning. I have to enable people to do it together with me.

The leader I want to be is empathetic and help people grow.

The leader I want to be is someone who can create a safe space, where people can contribute ideas without judgment or fear of the consequences.

The leader I want to be is open with their flaws, such as being a really bad comforter, but still going after someone when they're sad.

And all this stuff that is easy to say but harder to do - it demands practice, practice, and more practice when you have been brought up with other ways of working.

For too long I worked in environments where successful leadership was measured in terms of sales figures and profit margins. But now I know that if you have a team of happy, fulfilled, successful people, then the results will look after themselves.